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03:53pm 28/02/2012
  Its really weird to look back on this thing. I was so nieve and young.  Weird I got everything I "wished" for.  Married Praneel March 1, 2008.  Had our daughter Jan 9th 2012. Celebrating our 8th anniversary tomorrow even though we took a 9 month break in 2011 so he could fuck jessica peres. I will always remember that name. it will forever haunt me. the woman that entered my life in 2010 (she knew praneel 10 years ago) and praneel asked we become friends. she told me how funny it was cause she had a huge crush on him.. i jokingly tell my husband.. 3 weeks later on my birthday he left me alone at a resturant with his parents, telling me he will be going out with his guy friends to a bar.  at 4 am after many denied phone calls and texts saying "its too loud in the bar" he came home and admitted to being with jessica all night. then 2 weeks later he asked for some "space" and I moved out of his house for 9 months, slept with 4 really disgusting guys in hopes of feeling needed somehow.. one even went too far when I told him I didnt wanna fool around and he held me down thinking it was a joke and forced me to have sex anyway.. i dont call it rape because i willingly went to the hotel and flirted so im sure i gave him the wrong impression.  i lost myself in april of 2010 and im having a hard time getting her back even though im a mom now. 

Shyla is my everything.  Shes 7 weeks old now and already standing with help, smiling and holding her head up.  Shes such a beautiful girl.  if she wernt in my life i would NOT still be with praneel.  Had he not lied about it for over a year, I would have never moved to vegas and I would have never gotten pregnant. i cant believe i had to discover those emails myself between them that proved they were having sex.  i just cant believe it.  i cant believe this is my life.  i feel like my mom.  she hated being with my dad but stayed for me and my brother.  she was miserable but spent all her time with me and told me if it wernt for me she wouldnt be with my dad. told me i was all she had.  i feel i traped praneel with someone he didnt want to be with. i moved to vegas because i got kicked out of my roomates place when she up n left.  it was just a series of events that led to my daughter entering this world so God must have BIG plans for her. 

I never thought this would be my life.  looking back, i should have seen this coming.  he did the same shit with rhiannon. why did i think he would stay faithful to me? Im glad I have my daughter but I wish I had her with someone i trusted and knew loved me more than anything in this world.. oh well.. maybe next life..
 
     

(Break my heart)

 
holy moly 2 years later!   
08:58pm 05/10/2007
  holy fuck in shit its been a LONG fuckin time since ive updated this thing.


soooo much shit has happened sicne my last entry.. i dont know what made me want to look at my past with this thing.. but its cool to see me grow and where i am now.. so heres what happened in the 2 years that ive last updated this..

-im STILL with praneel. yeah. amazing. and we're engaged. yeah. double amazing!! we got engaged ... wow. holy shit. a year ago today actually.. awww didnt even realize that!! we're getting married March 1st, 2008. its coming up so so quick. but im so excited
-my mom passed away from bain cancer on may 29th 2007. i miss her so much and im struggling.. but im doing better than i was yesterday.. and yesterday was better than the day before.. so.. one foot in front of the other..
-i moved to fullerton with praneel in april. we have an apartment with my dad cause we lost our house after my mom passed away..

other than that, im just busy working for medieval times.. ive been a customer service chick for 9 months there now. i love it and love my coworkers.. they are the epitome of a family. im very happy over there. plus im planning my wedding which is coming up sooner than i thought haha

i just love this.. ive grown up.. i remember my last entry.. my fight with praneel.. one of the 4 we've had in our 4 year relationship.. i was reading back when i first met him up to our first date, first kiss, when i lost my virginity to him.. weverything.. now hes gonna be my husband and im very very happy with the way i am now..

funny what 2 years will do.
 
     

(Break my heart)

 
all i hear is whats playing through the inflight radio.   
09:25pm 13/10/2005
  so everything i wanted to tell praneel,
i told him.
in fact, i screamed at him.
i NEVER scream at him.
..scratch that. hes pissed me off a few times.
but i was SO frustrated.
here i just got this $2,000 credit card so i go and buy him clothes to interview in..
yeah. its a little expensive. UM NO. it was like.. $118. but he seems to think its expensive.
ok. i have 3 pieces of jewlery that all together cost more than $1,000 from him.
dont understand the big deal.
but he gets all depressed and butt hurt. i got NO THANK YOU
so i went off when we got home.
and i broke up with him
he got upset and got out of the car.. leaving his clothes i just bought him in there. just showing he didnt appreciate it.
so i took them and threw them out the window as i was leaving.
i was pissed.
i wanted it to hit him SO bad.
..then an hour later, we were back together.
it usually takes me saying "im giving up on you" to make him realize hes my world.
im his.
he doesnt have anyone supporting him but me.
so it hit him.
finally.
hes been lazy.
hes been an ass.
hes given up without even trying.
but things are different now.
so its ok. im glad.
hes had 2 job interviews since it happened so i know hes taking this serious.
until the day he dies, i'll be backing him up because i know who he really is. i know what a great person he can be when he HAS a job. and i understand completely why hes acting this way..
hes a guy.
i know.
ive gotten the speech from him and my dad.
they keep telling me "hes a guy.. he likes to buy things..."
and yeah. i dont need em but im not gonna argu.. all i can do is help him out.
so. thats what im going to do. cause i love him. and i want to marry him. i wanna be kelly kumar. i wanna make babies with him.. i wanna see him with grey hair.. i want to be involved in his beautiful family. ...so. im by his side no matter what.
and that makes me feel good.
 
     

(Break my heart)

 
ahh realization......   
09:29pm 10/10/2005
  Sooooo I think its finally hit me..
Im not happy.
Im not happy with him..
Im not happy with life..
Ive lost God and its tearing apart at me EVERY DAY
I dont like being the size I am..
I have a gym pass but its hard when my back is absolutly fucking killing me..
i want to start my new job so bad but it keeps getting pushed back.
i want a break without having to feel guilty about it.
i wanna break up with him without him sitting there crying.. saying "youre all i have"
i just wanna scream at him "THEN GET OFF YOUR ASS! FIND A JOB! FIND SOME FRIENDS AND STOP DWELLING ABOUT US WHEN THERE IS NO US ANYMORE!"
ugh i wanna yell that in his face SO bad when he cries.
how aweful am I?
im so sick of seeing him at 25.. still living at home and GOING NOWHERE!
he doesnt want to take the step to do anything with his life.
he has SO many plans on what he wants to do.
but thats where it stops.
he doesnt want to take the step into the world and move out of mommy and daddys house.
doesnt want to sign up for college.
wants to sit on his ass and apply for jobs online instead of getting out there and having them see his fucking face!
ajdfhasdjfh!!
i wanna tell him this.
maybe im as coward as he is?
hooooooooooooow lame am i?
 
     

(Break my heart)

 
been awhile... i should use this more often.   
08:43pm 08/10/2005
  a lot has gone down in the past few months.
ive gotten a job and then got fired from it 3 months later.
ive NEVER been fired. not my fault they have no compassion for emergency doctor notes.
yeah. my moms still sick.. but everyday is a new day. shes getting better :o)
my brother is running from the law.. he called me from where ever the other night and called me every name in the book.. which was funny.. because he makes up things to feel better about himself because im so perfect compaired to him. and yeah that sounds so cocky cause im no where near perfect. but thats the attitude i have when i talk to him.. i have to! or ill break myself down with him and itll depress me. but i know im better than him.. im only 19 and i have a car.. a job.. a boyfriend that ive kept for almost 2 years now.. dont have a baby yet.. havent cheated or been cheated on.. i go on vacations and i dont have 6 warrents out for my arrest. i think im doing pretty well thanks.
started college a couple months ago.. i absolutly love it. im so glad im back to school. its hard. really hard.. but so far im doing well and its just the best experience. i can finally check off "some college" on job applications haha
my teacher prep class has me in a 2nd grade class once a week. asdjfhsdf dream come true! i LOVE my kids soo much. theyre like my own now and theyre like a sponge.. learning everything there is to know. soo great.
and althought things arent going as well as id like them to go with praneel, im hanging in there. he got fired from his disney job too [theyre nazis now! i swear.] so hes acting like he did 2 years ago.. mean and bitter most of the time.. frustrated like no other.. i took him to vegas.. palm desert.. he just cant relax. i got so used to him while he was employeed. i miss who that was. i even "broke up with him" in hopes hed snap out of it.. it turned into our 3rd 'less than 4 hours' break up and this time i think i really needed that break.. ive been going through hell at home and he hasnt been there emotionally and its been making it so much worse. at those moments, id rather be alone than be with someone that made me feel even more alone.. but ive been hanging in there until hes employeed again so i can get my boyfriend back.. i really miss him. but i dont know how much longer i can hang on to him... our 2 year mark is less than 4 months away... and i dont know.. i just dont feel like putting the effort into this anymore cause im gettin nothing back..
adfahsd i dont know anymore.
i should be doing homework but i have so much on my mind with him... and i have so much due by wednesday... and i have nothing done. i need to break out of this lazy habbit. hanging out with him doesnt make it any better!! you are who are hang out with!
 
     

(Break my heart)

 
im one step closer to being engaged.   
12:50am 14/07/2005
  yeah tonight i was talking to praneel and im joking with him a lot about marriage because i know how much the subject is hard for him.. so i was saying something and he said something about my ring and asked "what do you think it is then?" and I said a birthday presant.. ..which it is. he never told me anything different. but hes like "uh.. no. thats a promise ring for you." aw :o) im promised. im so giddy now. Like seriously I had no idea he wanted to be promised to me. I knew that the ring I gave him was a promise ring for him. aw we're promised! how amazingly cute.

we've been having pretty good times lately. We went to the queen mary today.. last week we went to the aquarium of the pacific... hes moving out tomorrow to irvine and might upgrade to a 2 bedroom so i can move in :oD i sure hope so. nicks in full swing of being a total and complete fuck up. his beached whale of a girlfriend doesnt help much either considering she supplies his drug habbit then has him come over here and take morphine from my dad. stupid whore. now he has 6 warrents for his arrest. if i see him once more, im calling the cops. especially after what he told my dad about me. how he hates me and wants to hurt me? id LOVE to see him try. the other night i found out im a lot stronger than i think I am... so it was a wonderful advantage. just gave up too soon i guess. i can only pray God forgives me for letting him go and letting him give them to him. I just couldnt go back and forth anymore :o( stupid stupid stupid.
 
     

(Break my heart)

 
Lub Lub Lub   
11:41pm 25/06/2005
  yeah i dont know.

Sooo yeah. I never update this anymore because Myspace takes over all. woot woot.

all is well... Praneel just got back from Fiji a couple days ago... We're realizing a lot in our relationship.. the past year we've grown and we're finally at the point where we can be individuals and still have a working relationship.. I dont depend on him like I did a year ago.. Im finally content where I am.. Its a great feeling when the rollercoaster smooths out.. looking back I cant believe we lasted but Im glad we did. Hes an amazing person and my bestfriend. Him being gone made us both realize a lot. So.. things are good!

Once again, Im a lifeguard. This time its for disney. Its the best job ive ever had.. So kick back and so much fun. Im gonna try and keep a clean record this time... no more family moments... its kelly time... im doin this for me now... soooo yeahhhhhh

thats about all thats goin on so far!
 
     

(Break my heart)

 
hes gone.. so there goes my mind.   
10:57am 04/06/2005
  Im fed up with a lot of stuff right now... Its times like these when you need people the most and theyre never there. Im sick of begging for friends.. Im sick of trying to make an effort to hang out with people. I deleted a bunch of people off my myspace.. one of them were upsyndrome and the guys in it. Ive realized, that part of my life is dead. Yeah, it was the best years of my life but.. its not the same anymore. Im nothing to them.. I could have SWORN we were friends.. but. hey. theyre "rockstars" Friends is a limited word and it looks like it only applies to groupies all of a sudden. whatever.. so im done with it.. im done with them.. im thinking, im done with this "scene" Everything ive grown up in is now the "trendy thing to do".. boys wearing pants NO girl could fit into.. Wearing more makeup and spending more time on their hair than girls. its rediculious. Im finally going to college.. I can only pray that ill find a friend there. I think I can count one person thats been there for me no matter what and always had an egual friendship with me and ill forever love kris. Even though things have changed and we're not as close as we were.. I know if anything ever happened, shed be the one to lend her shoulder to cry on. She always has and i love her to death. Everyone else is a total flake and I dont even consider any of them friends. I know one person who swore she was going to hang out with me all the time.. canceled last minute then went and hung out with her others friends.. tahts fine. if people dont want to talk to me IM OK WITH THAT. ill find someone true. i dont care. Its just fucked up that i have to try so hard to have people like me and hang out with me.. oh well.. guess im just a terrible aweful person.  
     

(Break my heart)

 
holy FUCKING crap.   
11:03pm 21/05/2005
  I hate straylight run. Ok i LOVE them but they make me cry! fucking hell. I feel like hes already left.. i havent seen him for almost a week because hes working so fucking much. grr!! He leaves next tuesday and I can only see him 3 times from now til then... IF i can see him tuesday.. hopefully they wont make him work next monday.. then tuesday im taking him and Predica to the airport at 1130.. i kinda want someone to go with me cause i know im going to be a mess trying to drive home at midnight, crying my little eyes out. seeing him leave is going to absolutly kill me. its been setting in lately how much ill actually miss him... so ive been a little baby for the past 2 days.. i hate this feeling.. i hate knowing i love him this much to where him being away for only 3 weeks is just torture. i cant imagine how military wives do it....  
     

(Break my heart)

 
soo sick   
11:41pm 14/05/2005
 
mood: sick
i swear ive been sick for over a week now.. it just now got worse... started yesterday after hepehtha.. went and drove to praneels house and was feeling really weak.. he made me a sandwich and i had some chicken fried rice form some jap. place.. which i usually love but i was so sick at that point, all i wanted to do was go in his room and sleep. so i did. i couldnt take it anymore so i left at like.. 6... i had gotten there at 3 too. so that sucked. sat in traffic til 9.. got off on main street to get gas.. got lost. i was so scared i was pracitally crying. but i didnt. i prayed a lot though. 30 minutes later i finally found a station.. then couldnt find the freeway.. it was a mess. so i was sick as a dog AND lost. i hated yesterday. but ive been drinking green tea tonight so im feeling a little better.. im not as weak as i was..

praneels leaving in 17 days. his parents are already starting to pack for some reason... i know theyre anxious to go... praneel is too.. the other day we were talking about his religion back in fiji [which he doesnt go by] and how strict it is.. i couldnt be introduced to anyone he knew because if you call someone a friend and theyre of the oppisite sex, automatically they think "sexual partner" and youre looked down upon since all marriages are arrianged in fiji.. you dont meet the oppisite sex until your 19-20 and you never introduce them as a friend. i mean.. yeah we're sexually active so i already know thats looked down upon.. so i asked him when he MIGHT introduce me and he said when we were engaged.. since we're going next summer i asked him if he thought wed be engaged by then.. he said "well actually, ive been wanting to have a long talk with my mom so im gonna talk to her on the plane" and gave me a HUGE smile. ....im confused but he has been saying when he gets back hed love to get engaged and work on our lives so we could get married in a few years.... kinda scary... i think its just pulling my chain though cause he knows how much i love him and want to commit to him. lame. i dont know.

im so sick!!!!!
 
     

(Break my heart)

 
sigh.   
02:45pm 07/05/2005
  once again theres drama with my brother... youd think since hes in rehab.... hed be fine. noooooooooooooooope!! fucker swears hes mexican. nothing against mexicans but you know how they call eachother names... nick doesnt understand them! yet he takes offence to them... some guy called him a bitch in spanish and he went off like a little girl! Then he got his ass kicked the other day cause he stands up to people, calling them names only other mexicans should and he got his ass kicked cause he cant walk away.. he thinks he grew up in a fucking ghetto or was in PRISON. he was in JAIL.. HUUUUUGE difference!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what in the world will snap him out of this!? then the other day, i had to take him back cause he took a bus here from wherever.. so im taking him home and hes being so disrespectful to me and my mom... acting just like he did a couple years ago. and i thought he was only like that when he was drunk? wow. now i know hes a dick drunk and sober. and to think i fucking stuck up for him when my dads ex called and tried to start shit. NO MORE! hes ruined it. so he better not talk to me ever again.. he needs to just move on... disreguard me as his sister.. cause ive never thought of him as my brother... as far as im concerned.. i have one brother.. and his name is jason. hes been more of a brother to me than nick has.. AND HE DOESNT EVEN LIVE NEAR ME! he never had! but when i need the advice i should go to nick about, i go to jason. That sucks that nick is so selfish that he chooses everything over his own family... for all i care, nick could jump off a fucking bridge. i dont care. im sick of caring. and im sick of my dad using my emotions against me to get to my brother. he'll say shit so i open up.. then turns around. so fuck it. im not opening up to anyone in my family. maybe my mom but everytime i tell her something, she tells my dad. so i dont know.. might have to reconcider everything all over again... when i go back to school, im gonna take out a huge loan and move out. the only way i can be happy, is to be away from this house. this house is depressing and ugly to me. i should be thankful i have one.. but id rather be on the street than be stuck in this miserable home. maybe ill find a bum to trade with?  
     

(Break my heart)

 
mmm how i LOVE this pain.   
03:23pm 05/05/2005
  i finally signed my fat ass up for the gym. i must say, im feelin lighter.. ive been going for a week now... i think im doing well.. going 5 days a week.. taking weekends off.. personal trainer.. aw. wonderful. i love going with praneel.. he signed up under my name.. but is only month to month.... so... we're not feeling TOO married. he leaves in 3 weeks. im sad. but itll be good for us.. i think we need this break.. itll be a nice little test to see how much we really would miss eachother.. ugh sooo tired..  
     

(Break my heart)

 
sick of things.. especially some people.. so WHOO VENTING   
04:07pm 01/05/2005
  you know what? FUCK UPSYNDROME! ive put so much effort in helping them out and what thanks do i get!? ive known them for fucking 5 years and they treat me like im some teeny bopper fan of theirs... this stupid bitch comes along and a month later, shes in EVERYTHING... "want me to get him? want me to call him up? lemme go get my wrist band!" you know what.. im sick of it.. im so over this fucking scene... i thought they were friends of mine but theyve never had my back. not once. im sick of chris and the way he swears everyone LOVES him. NEWS FLASH! YOURE AN ASS! you treat your fans like meat... you trat people who have been there for you LIKE THEIR NOTHING! ive been around just as much as kris.. yet she gets EVERYTHING and i get squat. im so fucking over this scene. this music that i love is the death of what i am! who i have been for 8 years... im sick of trying to compete with that ugly bitch for a friendship. im sick of these people who used to be my friends who are so caught up in their wanna be rockstar mode that they totally forget everything everyone did for them. theyd be nowhere if i didnt stay out til fucking 2 in the morning on school night, flyering with those assholes. im done. im getting out of this scene.. getting away from those who are in it.. im going to go to college for my teaching cradential and i cant wait to be in that enviorment. CANT FUCKING WAIT! then im moving FAR away from here and not talking to anyone who doesnt wanna talk to me. im done making the effort. In college at least ill meet some real people and start up real friendships. ill forever love the music i listen to and appreciate those who do it, but im done making the effort with upsyndrome cause in the end, IT MEANS ABSOLUTE FUCKING NOTHING  
     

(Break my heart)

 
wow.   
11:40pm 21/04/2005
  who knew a surprise midnight visit would change everything? i guess the words "im really trying to be a better boyfriend" hit me harder than i would have thought.


<3
 
     

(Break my heart)

 
begging you to be my escape...   
09:41pm 21/04/2005
  im sick of this.
im sick of my brother..
sick of my noncompassionate boyfriend.
i feel like my life is on repeat.
something has to change.. weither it be leaving praneel and just letting him be with someone who doesnt care as much to detail as i do.
is this just me pmsing? or is it what ive been wanting for a while? one minute, the thought of him leaving for 3 weeks kills me... the next day it feels like a breath of fresh air.. i dont know what to think anymore.. why do i want so much attention from him? or want him to say something other than "whatever" when i need him the most? is this seriously asking too much from someone? i mean come on. if he wants me to be like his fucking girlfriends hes had before, ill be just that and fall away from him just like they did.
 
     

(Break my heart)

 
im sad.   
08:29pm 18/04/2005
  the other day my mom told me they found another tumor on her spinal chord... this is starting to get so fucking old.
for some reason, i have a feeling praneel is getting sick of me... fuck.. who isnt? i have no friends... no one around... i wouldnt blame him if he left too... everyone else did.
i sorta know im gonna grow up just me and my dog... livin alone.
i m starting to think it just might be better that way.....
 
     

(Break my heart)

 
ajdfhagsdfkjagef!!!!!!!!!!!!   
09:15pm 04/04/2005
  now i know im sad when i write in this 2 days in a row...

hes going for sure.. he made up his mind today and decided hes going.. tickets are set in stone.. he got time off work.. so its set... i wont be seeing praneel for 3 weeks. which isnt much to most people.. but to me it seems like 3 years.. how people go away in the military for months and years is so beyond me. i couldnt do it... theres no way i could do it.. especailly not talking to the one you love for a long time... im so scared. i keep thinking of all the bad things that would happen... and i need to stop.. im gonna be taking care of their house while their gone.. takin care of the cat and stuff... ill prob. be staying there overnight n stuff so i can watch over the house.. i know im dropping them off at the airport and picking them up when they come home.. hes gonna be so skinny when he gets home.. they have barly any "real" food in fiji.. all they eat is a bunch of veggies n stuff.. he'll be skin n bones when i see him... i plan to be skin n bones too.. im not gonna eat much i already know ill be so overly emotional... and im gonna work out a lot while hes gone so when he gets home, he'll be blown away.. im also getting a tattoo while hes away.. im getting a plain old outlined heart either on my forearm of behind my ear.. just something small.. maybe if i loose weight, ill get it on my hip.. i dont know.. maybe ill get his initals in it or something? naw im not that stupid. ...i dunno maybe i am? who cares. whatever i do, my temple. ugh. i feel lucky now. i keep thinking "at least its not months or years.. its weeks. be thankful" so im feeling better. wow. i forgot how much this thing helped me in the past.
 
     

(Break my heart)

 
woah. havent updated forever.   
09:38pm 03/04/2005
  ive been pretty happy with life lately.. nothing much to complain about i guess? lifes been going pretty well.. ive gotten back into church and swore off sex.. ..which didnt go well when i got alone with praneel today but, a month and 1/2... im getting better.



today i found out some really bad news though.. his mom invited him to go to fiji with them in may. for 3 weeks.. not so bad. but. we cant talk for 3 weeks. at all. no letters, no phone. nothing. honestly, this past week, we went 5 days without seeing eachother.. when he left friday, i cried cause i missed him so much. I CRIED! how the fuck am i going to go 3 FUCKING WEEKS! just thinking about it today made me cry.. it took everything in me to not cry all day. im so pathetic. im so selfish. why cant i let him be and just say "have a good time" .... no. i have to sit here and be a fucking baby and make him feel bad.. of course its not on purpose, but i cant help how im feeling. im so in love with his its NUTTS! ugh! i cant take this feeling. im trying ti distance myself more and more, hoping when it comes time for him to leave, i wont be so hurt.
 
     

(Break my heart)

 
venting..   
10:36pm 06/03/2005
  so my brothers out of jail and im scared... everyone swears hes changed but i havent seen it at all... everyones so fucking focused on their "little boy" that theyve been completely ignoring me emotionally. ive been so depressed lately and everytime i even try to talk to my parents, they start yelling at me and get all defensive so i never am aloud to open up.. i feel like a stranger in my own home... my dad makes me feel like im absolutly nothing. he sticks up for his fucking son more than hes ever stuck up for me... he'll sit there and fucking talk to him for 6 hours and be so happy and excited to talk to him.. i come in to say hello... and all i get is a "...hi." my mom is a little better but loves bringing things up. i feel like i cant ask for money without having them bring it up later to make me feel bad... ugh. my dad LOVES bringing the shit up CONSTANTLY! and when we have a fight.. BOY does HE have a lot to say about how he gives me money and how he is a good father to me.. **REALITY CHECK** you two decided that you wanted to have children... having children means HELPING them in times of need... sidenote: DONT BRING UP EVERY FUCKING TOY YOU BOUGHT THEM TO MAKE THEM FEEL BAD!!!!!!!! I hate my dad. i can honestly say i HATE him. He seems to think money will buy love and happiness... yet when he gets mad over his coffee being spilled, all of a sudden, he brings it all up just to bring me down.. my whole life he says "dont listen to what people say... theyre only trying to be mean... they wanna bring you down!" and WHAT does he do!?!? fucking hypocrite. i cant stand him. if he would just be calm about things and fucking go off on me for everything hes ever done, i would appreciate him a lot more. Hell, i might even consider him a good dad. he treats his son like a fucking king cause he got his G.E.D in jail... woop d fucking do! Tonight i wanted to talk to my mom cause i have absolutly NO ONE to talk to.. no friends, cant open up to praneel without him saying "uhhh duhhhhhhhh how do i handle this? ....i dont know so... ill just shut myself out of it." so i TRY and talk to my mom.. who comes down the stairs to inturpt!? Getting all defensive, all pissed off cause i need to get some things out about my brother. so of course my dad would say "well hunny, thats your opinion but you need to give him a chance, here, lets sit down and talk about this and get it straightened out...." but no.. he fucking comes at me saying "HE HAS THE CERTIFICATES TO PROVE HES SERIOUS! HE HAS HIS ANGERMANAGMENT! HIS DRUG SCREEN, HIS G.E.D ID NEVER KICK HIM... I MEAN MY KIDS OUT OF MY HOUSE JUST CAUSE SOMEONE WASNT UPSET" ....this is coming from the same man who swore to me 10million times that "he is not allowed in this house ever again, he has ruined this family.. he has destroyed us emotionally.. this is not right for us to live like this...." MY DAD IS A FUCKING HYPOCRITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANT STAND HIM!!!! he favors for the boys and THATS IT.. i cant stand feeling so FUCKING alone in my life! My fucking brother has made me look at only the bad things in life! every fucking time i turned around, he was doing something to destroy this family and its has made me grown to only look at bad things that will happen/have happened in life. he has literally traumatized me! ah wonderful.. nickys home!! adfkjahdfjkhas!! I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE! PLEASE GOD HELP ME LET MY MORALS GO FOR 5 MINUTES SO I CAN DOWN THIS BOTTLE OF PILLS!  
     

(Break my heart)

 
yey.. my one year anniversary!   
07:59am 01/03/2005
  i thought id never make it.. im so excited though.. tonight should be fun... i got a cute little outfit.. i think we're going... somewhere.. i dont know.. he refuses to tell me.. if anything, he'll pull up in his nice blue shit and jeans like on our first date. we'll see what happened... ugh. soo excited.. i cant beleive we made it to a year... seems like yesterday that we first got together... i feel like a kid on christmas...  
     

(Break my heart)